i must look back and give this credit to the sender
- do you know who you are?
- vanessa - was it you?

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it goes........

I decide to wash & clean out the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car...

BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk....

BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.... Yes, Now where is the cheque book? Oops...there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks...

BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away...

BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...

BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: Car still not cleaned, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, chequebook still has only one check left, lost my car keys, .... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help...

BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail.

--------------*** BUMPER SNICKERS ***
- Some folks are not hard of hearing; they are hard of listening.
- A small town is where you deserve less credit for resisting temptation than for finding it.

- #2890 - Three clergy
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house!

- #2963 - B&W
For older folks only - (Under 40, you won't understand)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good night, David; Good night, Chet"
Dependin' on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Lois Lane
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night
Life looked better in black and white

I wanna go back to black and white
Everything always turned out right
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fights
Now nothin's the way it seems
In living color or on the screen
I wanna go back to black and white..

In God they trusted, in bed they slept
A promise made was a promise kept
They never cussed or broke their vows
They'd never make the network now
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in the '50s
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white..

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right.
Life was better in black and white.

#2953 - Satan's Agenda

You may have seen this before but it is always a good reminder.

Satan called a worldwide convention of demons. In his opening address he said, "We can't keep Christians from going to church." "We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth." "We can't even keep them from forming an intimate relationship with their savior." "Once they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken." "So let them go to their churches; let them have their covered dish dinners, but steal their time, so they don't have time to develop a relationship with Jesus Christ." "This is what I want you to do", said the devil:

"Distract them from gaining hold of their Savior and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day!" "How shall we do this?" his demons shouted. "Keep them busy in the nonessentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their minds," he answered. "Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow."

"Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their empty lifestyles." "Keep them from spending time with their children." "As their families fragment, soon, their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work!" "Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still, small voice." "Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive." "To keep the TV, VCR, CDs and their PCs going constantly in their home and see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music constantly." "This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ." "Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers." "Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day." "Invade their driving moments with billboards."

"Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, mail order catalogs, sweepstakes, and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services and false hopes." "Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines and TV so their husbands will believe that outward beauty is what's important, and they'll become dissatisfied with their wives." "Keep the wives too tired to love their husbands at night." "Give them headaches too!" "If they don't give their husbands the love they need, they will begin to look elsewhere." "That will fragment their families quickly!" "Give them Santa Claus to distract them from teaching their children the real meaning of Christmas." "Give them an Easter bunny so they won't talk about his resurrection and power over sin and death." "Even in their recreation, let them be excessive." "Have them return from their recreation exhausted." "Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on God's creation." "Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, plays, concerts, and movies instead." "Keep them busy, busy, busy!" "And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences." "Crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power from Jesus."

"Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause." "It will work!" "It will work!" It was quite a plan! The demons went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get more busy and more rushed, going there and there. Having little time for their God or their families. Having no time to tell others about the power of Jesus to change lives. I guess the question is, has the devil been successful at his
scheme?

You be the judge! Does "busy" mean:
B-eing
U-nder
Satan's
Y-oke?

Please pass this on, if you aren't too BUSY!

"Have a look at this. It is worth your while. Really." Fr. Michael
#2946 - http://www.reata.org/interview2.html

#2932 - The Bible in 50 Words! (Aug. 17, 2001)

God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained

Character is what we do when we think no one is looking.
-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he’s sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!

Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?"

GOD'S VOICE MAIL

Most of us have now learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary as part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English, press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.

I am sorry; all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
Holy Spirit, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the "pound" sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666). For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day.

#2771 - School Prayer

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take.

Amen

#2767 - Inspirational Thoughts

The Butterfly

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.

Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further. So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened!

In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!

Read on:
I asked for Strength............And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom..............And God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity..........And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage.............And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love................And God gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for Favours.............And God gave me Opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted.....I received everything I needed!

May your path be bright and full of light everywhere you go.
And, I pray your feet will never stumble out of God's plan.
May the desires of your heart come true,
And may you experience Peace in everything you do.

May Goodness, Kindness, and Mercy come your way.
And, may you gain Wisdom and grow in the Lord everyday.

#2765 - Forrest Gump goes to Heaven

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast. We've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven".

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here St, Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about no entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was hard enough."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions.
The first question: What days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well the first one - how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorra. "

The Saint's eyes open, wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what was I thinking, but ... you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter, How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!! Forrest how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says, "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second. ----"

"Hold it, interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too.

Let's go on to the final question: Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest replied, "Andy."

"0K, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions but just how in the world did you come up with the name of 'Andy' as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..."

St. Peter opened the gate and said: "RUN, FORREST, RUN!!"

Love is.........

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day."

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

#2757 - Good Things to Come
for you government employees

Last night while I lay sleeping,
I died or so it seems.
Then I went to Heaven,
But t'was only in my dream

But it seems St. Peter met me,
There at the Pearly Gate,
He said "I must check your record
So stand right here and wait."

He returned to me and said,
"Your record's clouded with flaws."
But on earth I see you laboured
For a very worthy cause.

You fought snow & ice in the winter,
Drove posts in the summer heat.
Then were frowned upon by the public
When you stopped for a bite to eat.

I saw where you drank whiskey,
And you used tobacco, too
Everything that a good woman
Knows she shouldn't do.

We can't have women like you up here
Your life was full of sin,
Then he read the last of my record
Grasped my hand and said "Come in.'

He took me up to the Big Boss
Said "Take her in and treat her well.
She worked for the government, Sir
She's had her share of hell.

VM 74
Vanessa Modeste-Doherty

#2552 -Homemakers Inc.

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

THANK YOU JOAN!

#2504 - also from mar 23rd, 2001...
Smile To all the beautiful women I know...hope this makes you smile.

#2504
The following was written by Audrey Hepburn who was asked to share "beauty tips."

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows.

The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.

#2459 - Here is the Lost Chapter in Genesis...{Mar. 2, 2001}

So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history.

#2370-God's Blessings

The man whispered, "God, speak to me" and a meadowlark sang.
But, the man did not hear.
So the man yelled "God, speak to me"
And, the thunder rolled across the sky.
But, the man did not listen.
The man looked around and said, "God let me see you."
And a star shined brightly. ut the man did not notice.
And, the man shouted, "God show me a miracle"
And, a life was born. But, the man did not know.
So, the man cried out in despair,
"Touch me God, and let me know you are here".
Whereupon, God reached down and touched the man.
But, the man brushed the butterfly away and walked on.
Don't miss out on a blessing just because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.

A person needs only two tools in their life, WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape, if it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

#2361 - MOMS ARE SMARTER {Jan 26, 2001}

My son came home from school one day, a smirk was on his face.
He'd decided he was smart enough to put me in my place.

HE SAID:
Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today: THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.

IT SAYS:
I don't have to clean my room, don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think, how to speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom FROM religion, and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head, and I sure DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.
I can wear earrings if I want, and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like, be tattooed from head to toes.
AND
if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with the crime,
I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind.

HE SAID:
Don't you ever touch me, this body's for MY use,
not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse.

HE CONTINUED:
Don't preach about your morals, like your mama did to you.
That's nothing but your mind control, And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights, so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services, better known as C.S.D.

MY TURN!
Well, of course, my natural instinct was to toss him out the door.
made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go.
A little smile crept to my face... He was messing with a pro!
AND AWAY WE GO!
Next day I took him shopping, at the local Good Will store,
I told him, "pick out all you want! There are shirts & pants galore."
I've called and checked with C.S.D., they said they didn't care,
if I bought you K-Mart shoes, instead of Nike Airs.
OH!
And...I've canceled that appointment to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned, so I'll decide what's best.

I SAID:
No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch,
and tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch.
Just save that raging appetite, and wait 'til dinner time.
We're having liver and onions. It's a favorite dish of mine.

He ASKED:
Can we stop to rent a movie, so I can watch the VCR?
Sorry, I said, I sold your TV, for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room, you can take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires just a roof above your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now, I'll choose the food we eat,
That allowance that you used to get will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the PARENTS' BILL OF RIGHTS, It's in effect today!
Hey, Hot Shot, are you crying? Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you? ....GO CALL THE C.S.D.!

VM 64
John Kennedy

#1846 - Little Bobby

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"