December 4, 2009

Youtube videos:

·         The Marshmallow Test

·         Cell Phones in Church

·         Silent Monks Sing Hallelujah Chorus

June 12, 2009
Whiteorzel

How Bad is the Economy?

The Economy Is So Bad…

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

HotWheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, AIG and Citigroup.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally…

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, great idea … the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear…

June 12, 2009
Mary MacDonald

Gender-Specific Driving Etiquette

A woman is driving at night on a narrow road .... At the same time, a man is driving in the opposite direction on that same road.

When they narrowly pass each other, the woman rolls down her window and loudly yells, 'HORSE!' Immediately, the man shouts back, 'Witch!'

The man laughs. He is proud to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman and takes the next turn in the road, maintaining his speed.

Moral of the story:
Men never listen, and when they do, they don't understand one word a woman says.

June 12, 2009
Dan Gutoskie

English Church Signs

Our English cousins have always had a way with words...

May 8, 2009
Danny Moran

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder 

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day:

----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote,
----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

April 17, 2009
John Pacheco

Great Youtube video: Sound of Music | Central Station Antwerp (Belgium) – incredible!

Click HERE.

April 17, 2009
Halyna Davidovich

March 6, 2009
BJ

Judas Asparagus: If you need to laugh then this should do it!

  A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Through the eyes of a child...

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says,

'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.  Anyway, God said, 'Give me a
light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.  Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure
what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was
Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no
cable.  God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.  These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had  a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but  that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.(I wish I had been born in a barn too , because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door!  Were you born in a barn?'  It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

You must share this delightful story!

January 30, 2009
Whiteorzel

Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
   This enables you at 85 years old to spend
  an additional 5 months in a nursing
   home at $7000 per month.
*****************************************
My grandpa started walking
    five miles a day when he was 60..
    Now he's 97 years old
    and we don't know where he is...
    *******************************************
    I like long walks,
    especially when they are taken
    by people who annoy me.
*******************************************
    The only reason I would take up walking
    is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
    ********************************************
    I have to walk early in the morning,
    before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
    ********************************************
    I joined a health club last year,
    spent about 400 bucks.
    Haven't lost a pound.
    Apparently you have to go there.
   *******************************************
    Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
    I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
    ********************************************
    I do have flabby thighs,
    but fortunately my stomach covers them.
    ********************************************
    If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
    start with a small country.
    ********************************************
    I know I got a lot of exercise
    the last few years,......
    just getting over the hill.
 ******************************************
   We all get heavier as we get older,
    because there's a lot more information in our heads.
    That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
    ********************************************
    AND
    Every time I start thinking too much
    about how I look,
    I just find a Happy Hour
    and by the time I leave,
    I look just fine.

January 9, 2009
Halyna

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M..

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience

January 9, 2009
BJ

The Zen of Sarcasm

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

04. Don't be irreplaceable.. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND
 
22.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

January 9, 2009
Jim Backs

GO AHEAD kidZ - TRY AND GUESS WHO SENT THIS TO ME

Try it without looking at the answers......

1)  Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2)  Multiply by 3 then

3)  Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get your calculator....)

4)  You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number

5)  Add the digits together

Now Scroll down.

Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:         

1. Einstein

2. Nelson Mandela

3. Abraham Lincoln

4. Helen Keller

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. George Clooney

8. Thomas Edison

9. Jim Backs

10. Abraham Lincoln

I know....I just have that effect on people....one day you too can be like me.... :-) Believe it!

P.S.: Stop picking different numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it!!!! NOW CHANGE YOUR NAME  IN NO. 9 AND SEND IT ON!! HAHA

January 9, 2009
BJ

The Unstoppable Virus

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.  well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Hmmm....Have I already sent this to you?